Let's Misbehave

You could have a great career, And you should; Yes you should. Only one thing stops you dear: You're too good; Way too good! If you want a future, darlin', Why don't you get a past? 'Cause that fateful moment's comin' at last...

-- Let's Misbehave, Cole Porter

Profit from the happiest time of your life. The happiest years of our pleasures are only too brief! If we are lucky enough to have enjoyed them, then delicious memories will console us and amuse us in our old age.

-- Philosophy in the Boudoir, Marquis De Sade

I have done some terrible things in my past, actions that I am not proud of doing, producing memories that burden my mind with guilt and regret for the price I paid for a moments pleasure. Wait a minute...no I haven't.

Sure I have not followed convention. Yes, I have morally challenged myself. Yes, I have sought-out the darker regions and experimented for the sake of experience. In short, I have lived. So why the self-condemnation? It's not me – it's Them! (No, not the giant ants from the 50's B-movie). Them/They, the ubiquitous rulers and judges of the world, the people who sit in darkened rooms laying down all the moral laws for society in an endless stream of "thou shalt nots" about what should or should not be.

I realised today that my regrets stem from two sources. The judgements of a significant other derived from their insecurities – thus causing me to blame myself that I dared to enjoy pleasure before I ever met her. And my self-condemnation for not being without blemish in my pursuit of personal perfection. But by what standard is character judged? Social mores or personal values? Certainly the latter.

I should in fact look back on those events that I traditionally labelled "failures" and see them as the experiences in life that they were. Experiences that many only dream about. Experiences of pleasure that should bring a smile in my old age and not the thorn of regret born of another's judgement of how things should be – be these juries real or imagined.

At the age of seventeen, I told myself that I did not want to live a life with regrets over life unlived. I also swore that when I matured I would not allow my heart to die and become consumed by bitterness. When I look back I have had those experiences and more. The only penalty for that pleasure was born out of the judgements of others and my own self-depreciating perception of how I "should" have acted. And what was born of this bad habit? Fear. The "what if's" that never manifested but whose prospects restrained me with fetters of worry for possible consequences of my pleasure.

You are your own standard of judgement. Not your family, not your lover, and certainly not Them. Your life and your pursuit of happiness is your own and for which you must take full responsibility for its successes and its learning experiences and learn to rejoice in both. Damn the expectations of others. It's your life.

I'm getting preachy again, so I will end this sermon with a quote from the Gospel according to Charles Baudelaire (Paris Spleen), "If you are not to be the martyred slave of Time, be perpetually drunk! With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please."